How to End a Relationship With a Narcissist

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The last thing you need after going through a breakup is to continue to relive it. Not a proper man, lacking in the brains department, anything else? For example, have you used my Communication Kit for Happy Couples?

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How to know your relationship is over - spot the signs that a breakup may be on the cards

Relationships are important — to each other, to our families, to our friends, to the people we care about. There comes a point in romantic relationships when things become serious and it becomes an actual Relationship, one where the idea of spending your life with this person and crafting your life together is a valid and understandable continuation of this relationship. Hitting this point is very hard to come back from and one of the reasons it might be right to end the relationship. You realize you have different values. We all have our own values that are important to us — security, freedom, a conservative family, a liberal family, an open marriage. You no longer make plans with him or her in mind. End the relationship so both of you can move on. You no longer have any fun. Days have become dull, every attempt at excitement or some happiness-inducing activity is met with malaise or a general distaste for something that breaks you out of your routine. A relationship should be responsible and grown up as well as fun, so there should always be a balancing of both sides. Being responsible and able to cut loose means you have the best of both worlds. Scroll down to continue reading article 5. You fantasize about life with someone else. However, it begins to negatively affect your relationship when you cannot channel your energies into being in a relationship with your current significant other, instead choosing to daydream about a life with someone else — or, more honestly, anyone else. The most important point of being in a relationship is the idea of creating a future together, shaping and designing your life you are actively choosing to share with your significant other. Not just the idea of marriage, but the whole shindig. The physical act of marriage. You realize he or she has become a stranger. Sure, you might have the memories and feelings you still do for this person — the weekend away, how you told him you loved him — but who he fundamentally is to you has drastically and perhaps irrevocably shifted and transformed. He is not the person you fell in love with, the person you shared a relationship with, and can you really continue a relationship on that? Finding yourself lying next to a stranger who you used to call your one true love means you have to end the relationship, or spend years in regret and lying to him and yourself about what you really want. Be honest: how many good friends do you have? If you are a man, the chances are slim that you have a tribe of good friends. As men we tend to become isolated. You may have hundreds of social media friends. But how many of them can you call at 2 AM to help you in a crisis? I started out in a small Vermont town. Everyone knew you… and your business. There were not many places to hide. I felt secure in knowing others were watching out for me. I can remember years ago living in Phoenix sobbing as I read a Vermont Life magazine article. In that moment I longed for community and close friends. Not having close friends since high school, I created a plan to develop them. We are helping other men start groups and develop deep friendships. The core of what we learned was the ROC formula: Relax, Open and Connect. They are the first three strategies to generating close friends. How to Thrive in Friendships Using the ROC Formula I started out in a small Vermont town. There were not many places to hide, and I felt secure in knowing others were watching out for me. I can remember years ago living in Phoenix sobbing as I read a Vermont Life magazine article. In that moment I longed for community and close friends. Not having close friends since high school, I created a plan to develop them. We are helping other men start groups and develop deep friendships. The core of what we learned was the ROC formula: Relax, Open and Connect. They are the first three strategies to generating close friends. Step 1: Relax We live in a world that continues to run faster with more to do. Your nervous system starts to habituate to that pace along with all those around you. Once you begin to accept and experience your pace you can start to relax. In relaxing, you may feel anxious. This is a lifelong process. You need to start to see results. Mindfulness is a great tool to speed the development of this skill. By slowing down, you are more able to do the next skill. Step 2: Open Once you begin to accept your body, mind and emotional experiences you have more room to open up to being vulnerable to others. This is THE KEY to close friendships. You may be rejected, hurt or shamed. Without vulnerability, another person has nothing to connect with other than your external mask. With vulnerability you are real, you are human. Sure, some will not like you. Step 3: Connect Once you relax and open, you are ready to reach out to connect to another. If vulnerability is the key, connecting is the door. When you step through your fears to reach out to another while being present and vulnerable, you upped your game. Shifting from being passive to active by moving forward to connect has you give up some control. Sure you can connect from your hyper-persona, but you know what that will get you. If you want more friends sooner, apply these three steps tomorrow. The Key Points of ROC Creating a Safe Space This is critical to the ROC formula and friendships. To the extent you feel unsafe your physiology will shift into its survival state. If you feel unsafe, there is a good chance the other person feels unsafe. You can push your way through by denying your physical and emotional feelings. Or you could slow down to allow yourself to feel the lack of safety AS your risk to move forward towards connecting. A safe space is the fertile soil for friendship. Clarify What You Want When you slow down to connect to the kinds of friends you want you are more likely to create them. Rather than hoping, you get clear so you can create a plan. If you want friends that enjoy nature, hanging in bars may not be the place to meet them. Joining a hiking club would set you up to meet nature lovers. Sure, a good friend is there for another when he or she is not receiving from the other. You know what I mean. When you see his caller ID, you hesitate to pick up. If you fill your life with relationships that suck you dry you will have no room for those that can nourish you. Start saying what you truly feel and want. Sometimes the truth will set one of these people free. Others speak of having good boundaries. I say fill your boundaries with all of your feelings and wants. Be courageously authentic and the need to work on strong boundaries will be irrelevant. Those that you would want will be attracted to you. Scroll down to continue reading article Go for Something Bigger Than Yourself We are attracted to people who have a purpose in life. We read books and see movies about people who stand up for something that puts them at risk. Go for more than finding your passion. Explore what you want to live and die for. Enjoy Your Solitude The more you enjoy your own company, the more others will. The more you enjoy being by yourself the less you have misplaced needs. We instinctually and biologically, let alone psychologically, need others. I am speaking about being OK with your own company. Connection Can Be Critical We are trained to understand, diagnosis and fix a problem. We are social animals; we are hungry for connection. We want to be heard and witnessed, not analyzed and lectured to. The next time you find yourself not being heard or see yourself go into problem-solving mode, slow down. Use the ROC formula to reorient. Back away from seeing the person as a problem. Encourage the person to express vulnerable feelings with your actions and words. If it feels right, you may touch the person. Research proved that touch is a powerful connector that can immediately tell someone they are OK. Shared moments of heighten connection. When a situation has intensity and possibly perceived danger we will move beyond our hesitations to reach out for help. Studies were down during the bombing of London in the Second World War. Rather than people fighting each other for the limited resources they bonded together to share. Going on a strenuous hike with another can cement a friendship. Maybe you got lost. Once you rediscover the trail, you start laughing at all the mistakes you both made. Those mistakes become your shorthand to remind each other about the experience and how good it felt. Plan special moments to catalyze a friendship. Creating connection rituals can be repeated shared moments. We need predictability in our lives. In lieu of no positive rituals, our unconscious will use negative rituals. A couple may have a date night every week. Through the week each person, rather than daydream about the last argument, can reflect on their weekly date that will be relaxing and connecting. Plan activities with friends that bring you closer. Most would not have thought hanging with other men would be fun. They know if something tough happens, they have their group. Listening may be the best quality of a deep friendship. Your ability to listen allows another to go deep into their experience. But how many people do you have that can sit with you for an hour and listen? When you look at listening as a mental task, it looks boring. When you look at listening as emotional intimacy, it can be scary or exciting. As the person speaks, feel your response. Notice how your body responds. Notice how you are opening up. You can reflect back to the person the impact what they are saying is having on you. When is the last time you were truly heard? Fun is the magnet that draws others to you. Laughter a social phenomenon opens us up. To have fun, you need to relax and express. I was one of them. It was when I started being like a kid that I started having fun. When I teased people in a loving way and laughed at myself that I started having fun. We are drawn to those who are fun. To be one of those people you need to risk making a fool of yourself. You will at first do or say something that is not fun. Write it off as learning. Keep putting yourself out there. Your failures will feel worse for you than others. Others will appreciate the risk-taking. Be your own friend first. Practice the above behaviors with yourself. Have a weekly fun activity. Use the ROC formula with yourself. If you are doing a lot of negative self-talk, go to the underlying emotions. Feel them so you can release them. Shift your state, get your body moving. Often as kids when we had no one to console us, we did it for ourselves. Now as an adult you have more choices. Choose to feel and express as you move through life. Stand up for yourself, as you would for a good friend. Others will sense how you take care of yourself which sets them up to believe you could do it for them. They will naturally trust you more. Give—to others knowing you may not get anything in return. Give the most precious gift, gift of yourself in vulnerable ways. Reveal not to get attention. Reveal to be the first to take the emotional risk. Tell the woman at the checkout she looks good in her dress. The more giving becomes a habit, the more you will be the person others want to be around. You want to have good friends in your life, first be a good friend to others. Be willing not to have others like you. Like in business when they say a product for everyone is a product for no one. Have your focus be less on making friends and more on relaxing, opening and connecting. Take on one of these skills every day. Go out of your comfort zone. Put yourself in new, possibly mildly scary, situations to expand your repertoire of friendship skills.

If you really want to see them, hang out with them by making special plans. Going on a strenuous hike with another can cement a friendship. Why do we do this to ourselves. Not servile close friends since high school, I created a plan to develop them. I was trying to honor Dr. Your thoughts, feelings and actions are based on what happened to you before. In our negative experiences we learn the things we no longer wish to experience and we learn to be more sincere and a little more careful. Laughter a social phenomenon opens us up.